I had a dream last night that I was in a yoga teacher training, and I loved it! I loved the training in the dream, and I loved the dream when I awoke. You see, lately, I've been really feeling and working to embrace this shift in roles that I am going through from independent woman to mommy. From being beholden to no-one but myself (and my husband now and again) to devoting my everything to this coming child. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it seems like a rockier thransition than others. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for whatever shred of mindfulness I have to understand the process that I'm going through and happy to understand that it begins now, and not avoid it until the baby's here and I'm a "baby blues" wreck! I'm not mourning the loss of my identity or personality perse (do I have one of those anyway ? ;) ) but more that concept of doing things for myself that aren't of clear or direct benefit to others - like taking a yoga training. In the end, I hope that what I learn in those classes comes through in my teaching, and in some way does touch others' lives, but in the moment of taking the classes, I am growing leaps and bounds, and clearly doing the work for myself. Now I find myself guiltily thinking that those days are over, at least for a few years, and all of my everything will go to Tic Tac. This shift in perspective is at times easy and clear, and at other times a difficult pill to swallow. And moreover - a huge blow to the ego - not that mine can't stand to be knocked down a peg or two... but I'm saying it's not an easy thing and there is a mourning process gone through in some form or another, whether conscious or not, by all mothers to be (and I assume fathers too, but maybe later when the baby actually comes). A mourning of the free-wheelin' young woman and an opening to the mother that will be birthed when the baby is born. I'm not saying you can't be free-wheeling and young after having a baby - just that there is a clear shift in roles, that's all.
And in going through this transition, I have found myself indulging in the occasional pity party - but not usually for too long - ask my husband! Last night's dream put me back in my place a little bit. It showed me that, not only do I not have to give up on those things that inspire me, but that I don't have to feel guilty about it either. That Tic Tac will understand and hopefully, though I can't predict and have to try not to project my hopes onto her, admire her mom's curiosity about the world, about herself and her own humanity, her desire to always keep learning and growing, and to bring her learning to others in a way that their lives may be made a little easier and more joyful. Maybe she won't resent my being gone for a weekend now and again, but take it as my modelling a behavior for her to take up in her own adulthood. A mom can hope anyway, right?
All this brings me around to gratitude. Gratitude for all the blessings in my life - all the gifts I have been given. Gratitude for the immeasurable love that our lives are about to get an infusion of. Gratitude for the path I have taken to find this gratitude, as I wouldn't be here if not fot all the, I won't say mistakes, but rather twists and turns that have led me to this place of deep love. Gratitude for all of the lows that make the highs high, and the middles that even it all out. For the abundance of love and laughter that is in my life alone, my heart if bursting full of gratitude. For all of the learning that I have experienced, and all that is to come (yoga trainings and school of motherhood too!) For family, friends, community and tribe. And mostly - for the mindfulness to observe it all, to pay attention to it, and not let it slip by like just another holiday but rather a day-to-day experience of gratitude for the generosity around me. May I share this gratitude and observance of it with my child, with my tribe - all of you and the world. May it spread and build into a world where we treat each other with kindness and love and leave our fears and insecurities at the door.
Happy Thanksgiving All! May we drink in the generosity around us and pay it forward tomorrow.
As a student of yoga, massage, meditation , poetry and other such introversions, I figured some of my inspirations might also touch the hearts of others. Read, ruminate, digest, create...always returning to this well of deep love inside to renew ourselves and rediscover what we are. Enjoy!