Out of the Shadows

This is going to be a different kind of post. This is going to be self-desclosure to a level that is terrifying to expose on the internet. This is for all those parents-to-be out there who put on a happy face every time someone asks you how excited you are to have your baby, when inside you're petrified. You have to know that you are not alone, and you are not a bad person for having other thoughts and feelings besides excitement, sunshine and teddy bears.

The prospect of being a parent is terrifying to me. I'll take the pain and challenge of unmedicated labor and delivery ANY DAY and every day in lieu of actually having to parent a child. In my mind right now, there is a gulf the size of the entire universe between my current pregnancy and the concept of being a good parent. In my mind right now, you have to be responsible to be a parent. You have to be unselfish and patient. Financial security comes to mind. Barely being able to make it with just my husband and myself doesn't really seem like it's gonna cut it once the baby comes, yet nothing is changing to make me feel that we'll be better off in 3 months than we are right now. In fact, the only change I see is that I'll be home all the time, with nothing coming in to contribute, so I imagine my panic at financial collapse will only get worse. What kind of energy is that to bring a baby into?

Deep down inside I know that we will make it, so don't get me wrong, I'm just acknowleging here the potentially crippling thoughts and feelings that start to haunt you when you have your first child coming. I know that people survive on much less than we actually have, and we are very capable of creating a wonderful life for ourselves and our family. It's just hard sometimes to believe in the fairy tale when many months are a struggle already. The sacrifices that have to be made now, and down the road can seem really discouraging, and totally frightening.

Maybe for some, their first and subsequent pregnancies are striclty excitement, sunshine and teddy bears. For me, right now, there is a shadow side, looming over my consciousness, waiting for any sign of weakness to engulf me, and if it goes unacknowlegded, it surely will. We have to start a conversation about the whole  of the experience, not just the happy face that we have to show others so that we don't make them uncomfortable at work. Because it makes you feel like a terrible person. Like anyone that hears what you really think is going to call Social Services on you, because you might not be able to afford to buy your kid a 4-wheeler for their 5th birthday so they can go get the mail, like the neighbor kid has. Because you're afraid of losing it like you do with the dogs now and again when they won't let you alone and all you want is a moment of peace.

I am most definitely getting wrapped up in the fear of the future and not being completely present. In my conscious mind, I understand that. But, I have to believe that there's also something to be said for not hiding from your fears - and in so doing, moving through them instead of sweeping them under the rug to rear their ugly heads anohter day. So, in an effort to keep these fears processing and not hidden, I lay them bare here. For my own empowerment to begin, and also to give solace and comfort to those like me, who are scared shitless about actually becoming a parent, I hope this helps.