September 13th, 2016

​

​And I thought about what it's like to have Spacious Mind. Like a big, open sky. And how thoughts and emotions like to flood in, crowding out the space like clouds and making a lot of shadow. What a trick it can be to just drop that story and create space to accept what is arising in those moments. And how as much as I've attempted to disassociate myself with the anxious, nervous Nellies that are the women of my lineage, I've begun realizing that once I can see my habits of letting nervousness get to me and interfere with my peace, the more likely I am to be able to let them go and surrender into that spacious mind. We do not have to succumb to the patterns that continue to be destructive in our lives. Slowing down and looking at them is hard, usually humbling and always revolutionary, if done in the true light of our consciousness. But how else will change happen? How will I be that easy going, chill Colorado girl that I envision, unless I see the anxiety-laden worry wart that keeps showing up instead? I have to catch her before she invades my perception. Like it or not, this is the story that keeps showing up for me, and before I get a bladder infection, I'd like to take a peek at why, and how this affects my life. That is a tall order, though I have moments of clarity, like today. 

​I expect that this will be a long road. One of catching the pattern too late another thousand times before maybe I catch it ahead of time once - if ever again. But the alternative is to keep letting that pattern happen with no investigation, and where has that gotten me so far? Looking like a crackhead begging for a bathroom, that's where. (No offense to crackheads. Everybody's got to pee). 

Peace friends. And happy investigating. 

​xo - Alex